Diffuse Couple Conflict with an Effective Time-Out

There are times in couple conflict when we feel overwhelmed with emotion and find it hard to think clearly. Sometimes anger gets the better of us. Sometimes, we say things that we later wish we had not said.

During such times, we may lose sight of our own responsibility and focus on what is wrong with our partner. Real listening and heart-to-heart communication breaks down. The more we try to address the problem, the worse things get.

One antidote to this situation is to take a break from each other—a time-out—to create space to calm down, to reflect on solutions, to get into a different state of mind.

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There's a Difference between a Time-Out and a Cop-Out

This is an understandable perspective. In some circumstances, it may even be true. Keep in mind, however, that an effective time-out is not the same as avoidance or manipulation. There is a difference between a time-out and a cop-out.

There are times when putting distance between you is helpful, not harmful. This is because no amount of talking will ever lead to problem-solving if you are not in the right state of mind to resolve a problem.

If you are in a state of mind that tells you to fight (attack, criticize, scream, vent, etc.) or flee (avoid, get away, withdraw) or freeze (shut down, ignore, stonewall) then shifting out of that state of mind has to take priority over solving the issue at hand, in the same way that your own oxygen mask has to go on first before you can help anyone else in the event of an airplane disaster.

The Purpose of a Time-Out

The purpose of a time-out in couple conflict is to change your state of mind. It is to help each of you gain control of your own emotions and reactions, not to control the other person.

Time-outs are temporary. A time-out helps each of you to calm down long enough to consider options for resolving differences so that both of you can eventually re-connect to each other, after a short time has passed.

A time-out is also an opportunity for each person in the relationship to think about their own responsibility, or the part they play in the problem. For example, “How was I coming across to my partner? What was I doing or saying that made it difficult for my partner to accept my message? How was I part of the problem?”

Time-outs follow clearly defined rules and expectations that both partners agree to follow because doing so is the best interest of the relationship.

How Time-Outs Turn into Cop-Outs

In contrast, a cop-out is when one or both of you walk away from each other during or after an argument, without trying to change your state of mind. You stay angry and dwell on negative thoughts about your spouse, with little or no intent to make things better. Or you try to “forget about the whole thing” without any apologies or attempts to repair the damage that was done.

When partners merely avoid each other, there is no resolution. Avoidance can go on for days, with no clear commitment to return, to clear the air and to resolve the issue.

During the “ceasefire,” partners place little emphasis on taking personal responsibility. Chronic avoidance, characteristic of a cop-out, leads to resentment, bitterness and a long list of unresolved issues.

With that said, here are some guidelines for preventing your time-outs from becoming cop-outs:

How to Make a Time-Out Effective:

1. Discuss the use of time-outs ahead of time. Do this before you find yourselves in an escalating argument. Come to an agreement beforehand on:
• When it is appropriate to use a time-out (i.e. when one or both of you are feeling overwhelmed with negative emotions and need time to calm down).
• The purpose of the time out, which is to change your state of mind, to create space and time to soothe yourself. The purpose is not to avoid or control the argument.
• How the time-out will be carried out.



2. Communicate that you need a time-out. When you are feeling too overwhelmed to talk, suggest up front in a forthright way that you need a break to calm down and think. “I know we need to talk about this, but I’m too mad right now. I need time to think.”

   Keep it short, but try to give your partner something to hold on to during the break (i.e. reassurance that you are not giving up, or that you intend to work it out, etc.).




3. Make the time-out short. Come to an agreement with each other before your next argument about how long time-outs should be. Generally, 20-30 minutes is enough to return your body’s physiology to a normal resting state, but you may feel you need a longer time to think things through. If so, agree on a time when you will come back to the table.

   In most cases, thirty to sixty minutes is a reasonable time-frame (assuming neither of you have other time commitments). More than twenty-four hours is too long.




4. Soothe yourself and be self-reflective. Once you leave, use the time away to soothe yourself. Focus on relaxing as you take some deep breaths. Let go of the angry, self-righteous thoughts you are thinking.

   Use the time to reflect on why you think you were feeling angry or upset. What can you learn from your emotions? What might you be feeling underneath the anger? Sad? Hurt? Lonely? Afraid? Why are you feeling that way? What do you need to soothe that feeling?

   Think about how your partner might have been feeling? How may you have unwittingly invited your partner to be defensive or angry in reaction to how you were coming across? (Note: you are not responsible for inviting abusive behavior).

   How did your own actions help perpetuate the argument? Consider what you might do differently when you return.




5. Return and repair. Make sure you return at the appointed time and resume the discussion. Sometimes after this calming down period, partners realize that what they were fighting about wasn’t important enough to fight about. Neither of you may want to stir up the negative feelings again, so you may be tempted not to discuss it anymore.

   However, an apology for any hurts caused in the process of the earlier argument is still necessary. You still need to repair the damage that was done by anything you said or did prior to the time-out.

   In addition, it is a good idea to have a calm, objective discussion about why you both reacted the way you did so you have some understanding of what each of you were feeling and how to avoid such hostilities in the future. This is why it is so important to spend some time really thinking about what you need and what you feel underneath the anger when your emotions get the better of you.

   You may also realize that what you were fighting about was not the real issue, and shift the focus of your discussion to the more central issue.




6. Remind yourself. If your partner is the one who requests the time-out, remind yourself that he or she is doing so to change and control his or her state of mind, not to control you.

Suggestions for Things to Avoid:

1. Storming away. Storming away angrily, without saying where you are going, why you are leaving, or when you will be back only gives your partner cause to think you are avoiding the issue, and to resent your withdrawal.

   Also, try to avoid saying in an angry tone of voice, “I can’t talk to you,” and walk off in a huff. This is just throwing fuel on the fire. You may eventually cool down, but because you made it sound like it was your partner that was the problem, instead of explaining that you needed to change your own state of mind, then your spouse is likely to ruminate and fume about your “avoidance” and your last words instead of using the time for his or her own self-soothing.

   Note: if your argument has turned violent or threatens to turn violent, you may need to leave the house to maintain your safety.




2. Staying angry. Avoid using the time away to think negatively about your partner. Use the time constructively, by reflecting on how you co-created the problem with your partner and what you might do differently when you return.

   If your partner leaves in a huff, resist the temptation to use it as justification for staying angry and for avoiding your own responsibility.




3. Staying away. Try not to let too much time pass before returning, apologizing, and acknowledging your partner’s feelings. Let your partner off the hook sooner rather than later.

   Even if you are unable to resume the discussion for a while due to time constraints, at least return quickly to apologize for the earlier hostilities. You can plan a definite time to finish working out your differences later on.




4. Following your Partner. Following your partner when he or she tries to take a time-out will likely make things escalate, thus defeating the purpose of a time-out. Let your partner go and trust your partner’s word that he or she will calm down, think things through and come back.



5. Ignoring your stress, hunger or fatigue. Don’t try to resolve your differences when either of you are overtired, or under excessive stress. Contrary to popular belief, sometimes the best thing you can do is to go to bed angry (as long as you re-visit the issue in a timely manner – don’t carry the grudge with you throughout the next day). The next morning often brings with it a different perspective and a softened heart.



6. Threatening divorce. The challenge of resolving your differences is usually hard enough to deal with, without creating more anxiety about the potential end of the relationship.